Friday, October 15, 2010

Posted by Erin Posted on 9:33 AM | 1 comment

Becoming Unraveled

Hmmm, where to start...

October 1, 2010, a cd was released. It is a cd full of talented musicians playing songs that the Lord has given me over the years. It was a cd that had been discussed in the past, but honestly, I did not think would ever actually come to fruition.

When I was younger, one of my greatest dreams was to sing, but over time, that dream was slayed over and over. For one reason or another, doors that were open for a minute would suddenly close leaving me bruised and confused. The people that I looked to the most for confirmation that the Lord had equipped me to sing, withheld the words I so desperately wanted to hear. And there were even moments when those were the very people that stripped from me any confidence I had.

Please, do not misundertand. They are people I still love dearly. People whom I respect and cherish. And although at the time, their words or lack of words seemed to slice me into a million little useless pieces, from where I sit today, I can see more clearly that God was using them for my good.

My friend, Will, emailed me last night regarding faith. Here is some of what he shared...

"We must die. Our first death is to sin and living for ourselves in the world, but then we must die to our fears and exasperations of the next storm, in addition to our expectations and conceptions of how we could be used by God and be most pleasing in His sight. We must let God do the choosing, and our choice is simply to die to self."

Isn't that great? I mean, the truth of what Will shared is hard, but didn't he say it so well? We must die. We must die to our ideas of how God could best put us to use. Although I did not choose the dying in this case, that is what the Lord was doing. He was causing the death of my confidence that singing was one of the ways he would choose to use me. It was a slow, painful death. Much like a cockaroach squirms and writhes for awhile convinced that he can perserve through the sting of RAID. Gross right? That's what my pride looks like. When God is trying to RAID my plans and they convulse in their attempt to stay's gross.

You know, when Abraham was obedient to sacrifice Issac, Abe didn't know that God would provide the ram. He didn't know God would stop his hand before he drew blood. But he knew that God had promised something and God keeps his promises. He knew that God could...not that he would, but He COULD raise Issac from the dead. And even if He didn't, Issac was the promised child, so somehow, God would use Issac to bring the fulfillment of the promise.

Now, God has not promised to use my voice or my songs. So in watching that dream die, I had no reason to think that He would bring it back. He could of course, but there was no reason for me to think He would. But in His kindness, He has. And, maybe it's only for a season. Maybe 100 people will hear the songs or maybe 10,000 people will hear them. And maybe even if 10,000 hear, only 1 person will be impacted by the words God has given. I don't know.

To be honest, I have little confidence in my ability to communicate through music in a way that will be significant at all. I'm not awesome. It's true. I am very aware that my techincal abilities are subpar. And, what better place to be. I cannot do it, but God can. If He wants to use me to write songs and to sing words that change lives and encourage hearts, then He will do it.

Will communicated that through the scriptural example of a seed. On the CD, I communicate it through the word "unraveled". That word has so many connotations in regards to this journey. I have had moments when people's words have caused me to become unraveled. I was a tangled mess of purpose-seeking yarn. And then, God began to unravel my ideas of what defines my significance. And as He did that, He also began to unravel some of the mystery of who He is. Not a lot of the mystery. Not even a little bit of it. Just a little bit of a little bit of a tiny.little.bit.

I hope you hear that in the songs, even in the order of the songs, if you happen to ever hear the album. From track 1 to track 15, it's a journey. The songs are put in a very particular sequence that I am confident was the Lord's design.

So, am I confident that music is the forever direction of my life? Not in the least. Am I afraid to allow my heart to invest in walking that direction? Absolutely. But, I am confident that the Lord has called me to take a step. And I am confident that he delights in obedient steps of faith. So, I take a step and find there is ground beneath my foot. And as He leads, I take another step. Not expectantly waiting for the rug to be pulled out from beneath me, but rather expectantly waiting to see God.

How have you experienced this unravelling in your own life?


Will said...

Erin! Firstly, I was there when you led worship the other night and you are not sub-par. Everyone has a different definition of "par," but you are well above par in my book. ;-)
The Abraham example is so inspiring to me. To think that he and we would be mentally already committed to the sacrifice out of obedience, but then God would give it back is awesome. Not that we do it with that in mind--not at all--for if we did, then maybe we weren't 100% committed. But it just demonstrates that "obedience is greater than sacrifice" (1 Sam 15:22, Proverbs 21:3) and God perceives and judges the heart.

I made a funny face but liked the cockroach analogy. Haha! Actually, it is a picture well painted of pride...a resilient cockroach that just won't die, even in a nuclear storm! Yet it is such an ugly disease-ridden thing...yes, our pride is exactly that.

Hey, I think you should add your songs to the playlist on the blog...that would be cool and a personal touch!

Also, isn't it cool that Ralph is bringing the CD to the girls in India? God is using YOU to reach them through that CD. If you never make another CD, your musical talents will always have been used by God and that can never be changed. Pretty cool stuff.