Becoming a Wife(eventually)

When I was 17, I planned out my life. I was about to graduate and head off to college. It was decided: I would find the man I would spend the rest of my life with in college, we would date for a while, be engaged by the time I was 21 and married right after graduation. It sounded like a good plan to me and since I had been obedient when the Lord compelled me to not date in high school, I figured He owed me the blessing of an early marriage.

Next month I will be 26. I didn't meet my husband in college. I didn't even meet a boyfriend in college. somehow, I didn't exactly expect my commitment at 15 to not date would carry over 11 years. But here I am, single as the day I was born and as single as I have been every day since. And I realize that, despite what the world would have me and you think, I am far from alone in this dateless life of mine. Many of my friends have never been on a date. *Shocking*. When I consider how beautiful and godly many of these ladies are, it baffles me to think that no man has pursued them. But, it also gives me hope that I am not just a freak.

For as long as I can remember, I have had two dreams that continue to rise to the shore. They ebb and flow and sometimes I nearly forget about them, but then the tide rises and there they are again, threatening to drown me in "if only's". The first and less tumultuous than the other, is my desire to sing and perform. I want to stir people's souls with theater and music. This surfaces mostly after seeing a brilliant performance such as the one I saw last night. The Phantom of the Opera will change your life. The second is (obvious if you read everything previously written in this article) to be wife and mother. And this desire, well the tide of this desire rises whenever the bloody hell it wants. I can build seawalls and put sandbags around my home to keep it out, but I haven't figured out a way to keep it at low tide.

So what does a chronically single woman do about such things? I am not convinced that I am actually supposed to perform on a stage and change lives that way. I am, however, convinced that the Lord has in my future, a husband, and beautiful children.


"If you're called to be a pastor you go to seminary. If you're called to be a doctor you go to medical school. Most people set goals on the path toward realizing their calling. Why should marriage be any different?
After years of praying for my future mate and thinking that was all I could do, I realized I needed to be intentional about my desire for marriage and family. I needed to be realistic about my prospects and honest about what I brought to the table, deliberate about how I spent my time, and resourceful. I had to put aside whimsical romantic notions and grab onto the truth of what marriage is and what it isn't."-Thinking about Marriage by Candice Watters

Thank you Candice for that input. I couldn't have said it better myself. Let's start with the first thing you mentioned: prayer.

Growing up in the church, you see a strange pattern as you go from youth to adult. As a youth in the church, you are taught that marriage is good, created by God as a gift and a tool. Most people are designed for marriage and you should wait till marriage to have sex. Now, before anyone loses it, I completely agree that sex outside of marriage is wrong. But, does anyone else see that wrapped up in the "true love waits" campaign is the assumption that at some point, the one making the commitment will be married? Yes, I know that really we should stay pure for the praise of God, but how many 12-16 year olds are hearing that and not hearing, stay pure for your spouse? i would venture to say not many. So, church kid Jenny grows up learning that she should desire marriage and should expect it. And this being America, you have to throw in the "plan your life" mentality. Bake at 350 degrees for 18 years and ding! you have a single girl that is convinced it is time to marry.

And some girls do get married right after college. But what about the rest of us. We went to junior high where we were involved in choir, theater, sports, student council...everything, so we would be well rounded. Then we went to high school and narrowed it down to only three things. Then, after graduation, we went off to college to become an education major...but really to become a wife. And then graduation and...wait...what...college is over? But I am not engaged. I'm not even dating anyone. I've never dated anyone! What happened? ...the plan didn't unfold the way we believed it should. So we find a job...even a great job that we love and enjoy. We join a church and dive head first into the singles' ministry. And then we face the questions. "Why aren't you married?"(to which I always want to ask some absurd question like, "Why don't you have 3 eyeballs?") ..."Why aren't you dating?" "What do you want to do with your life?" And church kid-now woman Jenny doesn't feel like she can give her honest answer to that question. She wants to be a wife, but her well-meaning married AND single church friends tell her she should be content. She should be satisfied in the Lord. She shouldn't think so much about marriage. It happens when you aren't looking for it.

It happens when you aren't looking for it? Is that how you got the job you wanted? you looked and looked and looked and applied and applied and applied and nothing. Then you decided you were done with that. You went about your normal day: grocery store, nap, hang out with friends, go to church. And viola! Apple called and wanted you to join them at corporate headquarters. No. You prepared. You went to job fairs. You met people and let your intentions of wanting a job be known.

So, back to prayer. Jenny not only is embarrassed to tell others that she longs to be a wife, but she feels she should pray about more important things and not bother God with her silly girlishness. But ladies, have we not read the story of the persistent widow? Have we not read the verses about not having because we aren't asking. Did we not pay attention to Hannah's story of weeping at the alter and asking for a son? We are meant to pray for these things. We are meant to be bold in our requests. It delights the Lord to hear his children bring their longings to him. And prayer changes us and prepares us as well. So pray.

But don't let that be all you do. Prepare. I have been learning a lot about being honest about what i bring to the table. And while there is some good stuff I would bring, there is also currently some terrible stuff I would bring into a marriage. And so, I am beginning to work on those things. Financially, I need to get my act together. I don't have a ton of debt, but I have some. And saving money has never been a part of my adult life. I am working on that. I created a budget and I have made a plan to pay off my remaining debt and then start saving, with purpose. And I am also working on my physical health. I have some really bad habits when it comes to food and exercise. But those are things that can be changed...and need to be changed.

Now, let's talk about what marriage isn't. It isn't a self-esteem booster. It isn't meant to be the place I seek my ultimate value. It isn't an 80 year slumber party with your best friend. It isn't safe or easy or a romance comedy. It isn't financial security. It isn't an escape. It isn't a way to get that dresser from Pottery Barn that you've been wanting.

BUT IT IS...good. It is meant to drive us deeper into Christ because it will reveal so much grossness in us and because we will need Christ in us to love someone when we begin to see all of their grossness. It does enhance our relationship with God. Should we find our fulfillment in a spouse. No. But just because God can fully fulfill us, doesn't mean he won't use a spouse to do some of that fulfilling. "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds from the mouth of God." Notice that the verse doesn't say Man does not live on bread AT ALL. Nope. It says alone. Which seems to me to say that, while God could sustain us with only scripture, he chooses not too. He gives us food too. So, i believe that applies to marriage as well. God could fulfill us merely by inviting us to enjoy our relationship with Him alone. But He chooses to give us other relationships as well, including marriage.

So there are my thoughts. A lot of them at least. All of this to say that I want to be a wife. And I am done pretending otherwise. I believe that the Lord has marriage as part of His plan for me and I will ask Him to do that. In the meantime, I will prepare. I will seek wisdom of those who are ahead of me in that journey. I will, with the Lord's strength, be wiser with my finances and health. I will invest in people along the way. And I will trust the Lord's timing as I faithfully take steps.

I'm Just Not That Into It (or Becoming A Movie Critic)

Tonight I saw "He's Just Not into You" and I left angry and sad. I wanted to share with you somethings the movie teaches and somethings I actually learned.


What the movie taught:

1. If he isn't calling, it's because he's not into you. (makes sense)
2. If he wants to see you, he will make it happen. (ok. still on board)
3. If a man dates you for years and won't marry you, he's not into you (at least not enough to marry you...duh.)
4. If this man, who won't marry you, does the dishes and takes care of you, then it's worth giving up your hope for marriage because he's probably better than some husbands anyway (Sounds good, but is wrong.)
5. Just because someone is married, doesn't mean he isn't meant to be with you. Don't give up on being with him just because he is committed to someone else. (I'm sorry, what? Since when did this become wise advice?)
6. If you love someone, you are sleeping with them. (...)
7. All the conclusions women come to when they read into men's actions are wrong, but the act of reading into things is actually healthy and good because it means that you believe in love and have hope. (Contradiction much?)
8. No man actually wants to get married. The only reason men get married is because they feel trapped and obligated.
9. Marriage actually is horrible, but we should want it anyways.
10. Just because a man says he will call you, doesn't mean he actually will, but somehow, women should just take everything at face value. (Huh?)


What I learned:
1. Our world is very broken.
2. I am ok with not doing relationships the way the world does.
3. I value marriage and I am willing to wait for a man who will be faithful to me and with whom I can honestly work through the struggles of married life.
4. I need to be careful what advice and encouragement I offer to my girl-friends.
5. I want to a wise-godly mother who instills value and values into her daughter.
6. I am blessed to know godly men who walk in integrity, even if they are sometimes confusing.
7. The culture's way of doing things leads to confusion, heart ache, and emptiness.
8. I am blessed to know godly women who give me godly advice and don't just tell me what I want to hear.
9. Going to see a movie based on a book that was written by someone who created Sex in the City is not a good idea.
10. Most people still value marriage (based on the gasps and comments made by others in the movie theater. ie: When Drew Barrymore said something to the effect of "Are you supposed to let the man of your dreams pass just because he is married?" the girl behind me said, "YES!")


On a additional movie-going note, do not put your bare feet over the seat in front of you and rest them next to the head of the move-goer in front of you. That is just not ok. You are not in your living room. You do not know the person who is now 3 inches from your feet. It does not matter if you came straight from a pedicure. That is just not acceptable. And I even like feet, but seriously? (I started to reach over and tickle the feet just to make a point that it was awkward but I restrained myself and instead just politely asked them to put their feet down.)

Becoming a Poet (all my life)

I wrote this poem for a class my last semester of school. It is a certain style of poetry that requires the lines to end with the same 6 words rotating. The Beauty of the Broken was a thought that had been swimming around in my mind for awhile and it was this assignment that allowed it to come to fruition. I wanted to share it with you because I have again been thinking a lot about how Christ is often reflected better in our broken pieces than in our healthy habits. It is a strange thing that broken glass reflects light so differently than a flawless sheet of glass. I hope that you are encouraged and blessed by this.

The Beauty of the Broken
erin r. woods
April 2006

We call lust, love
and ridicule the lonely.
We call war, hope
and overlook the hurting.
We call pride, beauty
and in it all we are broken.

So Your flesh was broken,
blood poured out in love.
The day You suffered the deepest lonely,
Where then was hope?
As on the cross you hung, hurting,
It seemed Evil had conquered Beauty.

But you rose victorious in beauty.
You left the father of lies broken,
the evil one destroyed by love.
You established a family for the lonely.
This is our hope,
that you came triumphantly through the hurting.

Now you hold the hurting
in the embrace of beauty.
You take the beaten and the broken
and cover them with perfect love.
You seek out the lost and the lonely
and all those living without hope.

It is in You that I found hope
and comfort for the hurting.
You came to me when I had no beauty
and my heart had been broken.
You looked on me with love
and assured me you understood lonely.

You offer life to the lonely.
You are our everlasting hope.
You hold out your hand to the hurting.
You redefine beauty
and restore the broken
by your unfailing love.

You are the Love of the lonely.
You are the Hope of the hurting.
You are the Beauty of the broken.

Becoming Broken and Whole

It is the greatest paradox of life that in order to become whole, one must be completely broken.

I was going to wait until next month to write this entry. It is a reflection on the last year of my life. August 14th will be exactly a year that I have been searching for a job and filling my months with random short-term sources of income. Would I ever have imagined this year? Of course not. Would I ever have planned or hoped for twelve months of uncertainty. Heck no. Do I want this season to come to a close? You bet your britches. But still, I am so inexplicably thankful for these past months.

I have hurt like never before. I have felt forgotten and abandoned. I have wondered if walking with God is worth it. I have been angry with the Lord and been bold enough to let Him know it. I have screamed and cried and melted into a pile of emotional goo before the throne of my King. And in His goodness, He has let me punch the air. He has quietly sat as my dreams for a smooth transition from college to career shattered. He seemed to do nothing as the hopes I had for life after college were dashed against the rocks of reality. And I have learned that there is purpose in the silence of God.

Through most of this year, about 8 months, I have been reading a book by Larry Crabb called "Shattered Dreams". (Yes, it is ridiculous that it has taken me 8 months to read this 200 page book but I needed that much time to really digest it.) It has been a hard read, a slap in the face, but it has been so good. It is full of hard truth, the kind that we all need, usually when we least want it. I want to share some of my favorite quotes from the book.

(in regards to Jesus telling the disciples that we should be like children)-"He was recommending brokenness-something we live to avoid." (Ouch)

"We are not defined by the things we suffer."

(In heaven)"Pain will have no purpose so it will not be allowed. Our appetites will be straightened out. We will not desire the good above the best."

"Church is too often a place of pretense and therefore a place without hope. When brokenness is disdained, where the real story is never told, the power of God is not felt. Where brokenness is invited and received with grace, the gospel comes alive with hope."

"When the deepest desire we feel is for something other than God, a spirit of entitlement develops. We see ourselves as needing something we don't have, and we believe we should have. ...Prayer becomes demand when desire becomes our tyrant."

"Discovering our desire for God introduces us to a whole new world of hurt. When we realize how badly we want him, he seemingly disappears.But it's a hopeful hurt. It doesn't feel exactly good, but it does feel clean. Through our tears we can actually sing 'Great is Thy Faithfulness' and 'It is Well with My Soul'. We can even sing 'I Love You Lord' not without an ache in our hearts, but somehow through the ache."

"There are times in life when it would be easier to not believe in God at all than to believe in Him and wonder where He is."

(In regards to responding when life causes you to doubt...He offers 3 options, this being the best of the three) "Scream and holler until the terror of life so weighs you down that you discover solid ground beneath your feet. The solid ground is not doctrine. It is not merely truth to believe. It is not recommitment and trying harder to to believe and do right. It is Him. It is our awareness of a Christ whose passion to bless is so strong that His restraint becomes not a cause for complaint, but a sacred and appealing mystery."

"God's restraint has purpose. When He appears to be doing nothing, He is doing something we've not yet learned to value and therefore cannot see."

"I wish you brokenness because I wish you joy."

"In our day of feel-good Christianity, we have come up with a wrong view of our spiritual journey. We think of suffering as something abnormal, as evidence that we lack faith. We work so hard to escape suffering that we fail to realize what good things might be happening in us as we suffer. But that's wrong. That's more Buddhist than Christian."

"The problem is with our blessing-based, happiness-centered understanding of goodness. It is too small. And with our small idea of goodness, we dream small dreams , and small dreams lead to small prayers."

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God does what is best for us. He insists that even in our pain, he is doing us good. It is probably the hardest thing to believe. I believe God loves me. I believe He is a just God, He is wise and kind and creator. But to believe that He is doing what is best for me, when ever fiber of my soul shrinks from the aching of my dreams crumbling...that is nearly impossible. Except that it is in the shattering of our small dreams that our highest dream is stirred. Eventually that kicking and screaming and being angry with God subsides and what is left is a desire to walk with God, to know Him before anything else. The pain doesn't necessarily vanish and circumstances are not magically restored. But now, as I cry and as I ache, I have an incredible peace.

It is funny to me that a month into this season of job searching, I was freaking out. I was frantic about finding a job. Now, almost a year later, although I still want to find a job, I can rest. I do not worry about income. No freaking out. I still have a day here and there when I allow anxiety to creep in, but for the most part, I rest in knowing that my highest dream cannot shatter. I can know God intimately and one day I will see him face to face.

There is one last quote from a letter in the book. I want to end with this because I think this sums up the whole thing. This guy gets it:

""Faith, as I am growing to understand it more, is about looking beyond my circumstances to a person. To have faith in better circumstances, even in God creating better circumstances, is not true faith. I want to be the kind of man who can watch every dream go down in flames and still yearn to be intimately involved in kingdom living, intimately involved with my friend the King, and still be willing to take another risk just because it delights Him for me to do so. And my flesh shivers to think about it."

Becoming a Volunteer Coordinator

You may or may not know that I recently interviewed for a teaching position at an early education center. Well, today I received a letter in the mail informing me that, while they appreciate my interest in the position, they have decided to hire a different candidate...Rejection notices are so personal.

So, I will not be teaching and herding 10 toddlers around every day for the next year. I, still, don't know what I will be doing for the next year. I do, however, know what I will be doing for the next two months. And that is fabulous (not as fabulously comforting as knowing a year, but fabulous all the same).

What will I be doing? I'm so glad you asked.

Stephen Smith, my middle school pastor, the husband of Star, the frontman of the Smithband-which led worship at Breakaway, my guitar teacher, is now the worship pastor at HFBC. His assistant, Sarah, is leaving to do missions in Brazil. His new assistant, Dean-na, as the super-woman behind Breakaway, is arriving at the end of July. Between Sarah and Dean-na, there are about three weeks. Stephen asked me to fill in. Then, when I met with him to discuss that, he also asked me to be the volunteer coordinator for the hard hat crew as we move back into the newly remodeled worship center.

So, I am an assistant AND a volunteer coordinator, for a little while at least. It will be a busy couple of months, which,let's be honest, will be a nice change. Perhaps this will open other doors. Perhaps not. But the Lord is continuing to provide, not in the way I would choose it to be, but "In his heart a man makes his plans, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." I will strive to trust God for today, because today I have all I need. Tomorrow will worry about itself.

If you are a member of HFBC, I expect you to help with hard hat crew...but I know you were already planning on it.

Becoming Joyful

Joyful and happy are so very different. Why can't we get that? We say it all the time..."Happy is based on circumstance. Joy is based on knowing and believing Christ."

We say that, and then in the very same breath we tell the person who is crying to suck it up because they should be joyful. I think our, or at least my, understanding of joy needs to be broadened.

I had a very sweet friend tell me once that I was always sad. She challenged me to be more joyful. I certainly think there is weight in what she share with me, which went a little deeper than just that. But at the same time, she was someone I felt like I didn't have to be fake with. If I was not having a good day then I told her that. In the same year, I had other friends tell me how contagious my joy was. So, what I am to do with that? One friend says," You are always joyful and you trust the Lord. It's such an encouragement." And another friend says, "You are always so sad. You need to take joy in the Lord and trust Him."

Do you know how confusing that can be? Very. But I think I sort of understand...a very tiny bit.

See, in this season I have been both discouraged and encouraged. My circumstances are some of the most discouraging I have ever faced. But I have been more encouraged by the Lord in these times as well. There are days, weeks, even months when I feel...emotionally...defeated, sad, forgotten. But spiritually, I feel satisfied, joyful, victorious. Most of the time the defeated probably shows though more than the victorious. I think that is because it is my flesh that is feeling defeated and it is my flesh that fights against everything spiritual. I know that needs to change. My spirit...rather, the Holy Spirit should be controlling my countenance. My eyes should shine with hope and joy even as I cry. I think more and more that is happening. I believe that we have seasons like this so that those things can happen. But it takes time. It takes change. And God doesn't always make those changes in us over night.

So next time you see someone who seems to lack joy, maybe ask them first. It could be that they do have joy and are just having a hard time expressing it through the hurt.

I don't think that is what my friend was doing. I appreciate that conversation because I know she wants me to look more like Christ which means she really loves me. And I certainly have grown because of her words.


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I think it's silly to act like trials aren't painful. They are. And we are promised to have them. I don't think Paul went around talking about how great his life was. He probably told people when that thorn in his flesh was acting up and hurting. He probably had days in prison when all he could do was weep. But that doesn't mean that Paul wasn't joyful.

Down below, I typed out 1 Peter 1:6-9. I love this passage. I love that it says "if necessary". Our trials, our hard seasons, our tears....they have a purpose. If they don't have a purpose, they don't happen. It's ok to admit that those trials are hard and painful. But even in that pain we rejoice because in God's mercy He has saved us and given us a living hope.



1 Peter 1:6-9

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in the praise and honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Becoming a Truth-walker

First of all, I feel compelled to clarify my last post a little bit. I think it may have come across to some that I believe if a job is not what I want to do, if it is hard, that I don't think I am supposed to be doing it. That is not at all what I mean. What I mean to communicate is that the place where faith and logic come together is lost on me. I do not plan to avoid jobs simply because they are difficult or boring or uncomfortable or whatever terrible adjective we should use. I know that even what I feel called to do, in my case being young-women's ministry, will be very difficult and sometimes boring, and most often uncomfortable. Every job is all of those things at one point or another. So, it's not an avoidance that is my issue. It is instead trying to figure out where I need to be for now, and the balance of action and waiting. Moments when I begin to ravenously search for a job usually occur because I am in a place of not trusting. I am thinking, "Well, I need income and You are not providing it God, so I will just have to take things into my own hands and go find a job myself." Regardless of the fact that faith also requires action, in those moments, my action is sinful because it is doubting God's promises and character. So there you have it. Hopefully that clears things up.

As for this Truth-walker business. As I am sure you have realized through conversations and posts, I have been struggling to walk in faith. I know things in my head but have trouble living out those truths. I have had several days, and more and more as this season continues, where I become consumed by my circumstances and emotions. I have a tendency to walk in the "truth" of what I can see and feel.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, as we split into our prayer groups at GS practice, Roger encouraged us to pray according to the Truth that we are victorious. Our group sort of forgot to do that I guess. But as I left and went about the rest of the night I continued to think about that. About praying over our circumstances as though we are already victorious...because we are. So I thought about that all week. I am unemployed, but I am victorious. I live with my parents, but I am victorious. My life looks nothing like how I thought it would...or how I think it should, but I am victorious. Then, as I discussed with a friend some struggles that she was facing, and sharing my own struggles, the Lord brought to mind an illustration. If you know me at all, you know that I am a total illustration person. I always have an illustration for everything. I can't help it.

Here is the illustration that came to mind...I have these three note cards in my head. Written on one is my circumstances. On another is my feelings...how I feel about life. And written on the third is Truth. They are stacked on top of each other and which ever is on top is what I see first and what I am walking in. It affects how I see the other two. Usually, the circumstance or feelings card is on top. So I usually live from there, seeing mostly my circumstances or emotion and then truth is an afterthought. The last couple of weeks though, I have switched the cards around in my head so that the first card I see is Truth. I see who God is and who I am in Christ and that affects the way I view my circumstances and feelings. I can walk in Truth. Truth really can be what we see first. As another friend put it, this illustration is just the living out of taking every thought captive. There are certainly times when the cards get mixed up and I see one of the other cards first. In those moments, I have to consciously switch my cards around and put them in the right order. I have to be deliberate in how I am thinking.

It is amazing how much more alive I have felt these last couple of weeks. I have taken initiative in somethings and just enjoyed life in general. I've become a Truth-Walker. It will be a daily challenge, I know. But I have a mental image to help me.