"Pick ME. Choose ME. Love ME."-The cry of my heart. It was though I veiwed every relationship as a contest. All of a sudden I was noticing myself striving to get ahead of everyone else, even in my own thinking. I was living in a constant state of comparison. "I'm better than them." "She's prettier. I need to work harder at being pretty." But, I'm funnier and nicer(apparently not in my thought life) so that counts for something." "Surely humour and kindness is worth more points that pretty."
Yall, these are seriously the thoughts I would catch running a muck in my head. It was disgusting! How long had this been going on?! I began to look at friendships. I had a ton of friends over the years. Friends that came to me often for advice or when they needed to talk to someone they could trust. But I had never felt that I'd had a best friend. I went out of my way to be there for everyone who needed me, but no one ever really knew me. I was so busy trying to prove I was worth being considered a best friend that I didn't let my friends know that I NEEDED a friend. I saw the pattern through so many aspects: at home I wanted to be the favorite. I wouldn't have said that of course but I wanted the love and accolades that I thought I deserved and clearly that was more than my brother. In youth I wanted to be a leader so I couldn't be real about my faults or my questions. If I wasn't sure who I was, no one would follow me.
Now, don't get me wrong. My family is amazing. And my time in youth group was incredible. And my friends were fabulous. This is about what was in my heart, not theirs. My heart lived in a constant state of comparison. And it was not until I was 25 that I realized it and saw that I was trying to earn a seat of honor. I also realized that I was tired.
(Coming up we will be talking about Mary, Peter, and Esther as we look at what scripture says to us about being chosen)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*This post is adapted from my journal entries from 2009
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Questions for today:
1. Are you living in a constant state of comparison?
2. What are the thoughts you hear running a muck in your head?
3. Are you tired? Are you ready to deal with your heart?
I would love for us to answer these questions in the comment section. If you feel like you need to, you can always comment anonymously.
Happy Journey!
Erin
Now, don't get me wrong. My family is amazing. And my time in youth group was incredible. And my friends were fabulous. This is about what was in my heart, not theirs. My heart lived in a constant state of comparison. And it was not until I was 25 that I realized it and saw that I was trying to earn a seat of honor. I also realized that I was tired.
(Coming up we will be talking about Mary, Peter, and Esther as we look at what scripture says to us about being chosen)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*This post is adapted from my journal entries from 2009
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Questions for today:
1. Are you living in a constant state of comparison?
2. What are the thoughts you hear running a muck in your head?
3. Are you tired? Are you ready to deal with your heart?
I would love for us to answer these questions in the comment section. If you feel like you need to, you can always comment anonymously.
Happy Journey!
Erin
2 comments:
1) I'm sure I struggle with my sin self and my pride on a daily basis. I know that the Bible says not to compare myself even to myself, but to let God be the judge. I strive to do consistently. Do I fail? Sure. Does God succeed even more, oh yes.
2)Mine are more about how busy I am and how I can stay afloat.
3) May the Lord deal with my heart and reveal to me any sins or idols that come before Him.
1. dang. debby. Do I ever. It is a full out fight to take my thoughts captive any time I'm around a girl that I think's prettier than me...or funnier than me...or better at "guy stuff' than I am...or of all things...seemingly more in love with Jesus than I am. So much better-for me AND them- to see other women for the uniquely beautiful creations that they are.
2. I have a self-inflicted disease of "needing" to be the favorite. Always....and that's pathetic, I can admit that. Even sadder, is that I usually am. I'm good about knowing what I need to do to be the favorite...how to get that coveted (at least by me) spot. Then, in that spot, I'm insecure. Insecure...because am I really who that friend/boss/guy/mentor would pick? or because I was manipulative? SO, then I start trying harder...and the cycle starts all over. I'm working on this...or rather the Lord is working on this in me--but it's a rough thing to shake.
3. Oh yes...dealing with it daily but there's always more junk to clear out.
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