Chosen Series: An Apology

Sweet patient blog-family, I owe you an apology. I know I have stalled far too long in writing the next part of the Choose Me series. I am still excited about it, actually maybe more so than I was before. But I want to share with you what has halted me in my writing.

First of all, the sheer magnitude of taking on human nature and examining it under the scrutiny of Truth. I am not an expert. I am not a scholar. I am a woman. A little girl in still so many ways. To look at scripture and try to first interpret it correctly and then teach it to others is a big deal and can only be done in The Spirit. I have stalled because I do not want to speak falsely.

Secondly, I am learning to be a writer. I love writing and I have wanted to write this for a long time, but there is so much to it. The structure can be very tricky. Transistions and such. I want to communicate clearly. And that can be challenging.

And mostly, since beginning this series, it has become extremely clear that this "Choose me" cry is still rooted deeply in me. I knew that it was still lingering, but I've discovered that "lingering" is the completely wrong word. Lingering implies that it is mostly gone and just the scent or the reminder of it remains. Um, no. Festering might be a more appropriate word. It sits quietly sometimes but it is not dormant at all. So, I have been struggling with how I can possibly write about something when it still very much has it's claws in my heart. I have learned an ocean's worth about my heart's cry and God's kind Truth about His love for me, but an ocean is only a drop in the universe of that Truth.

So, I will, very shortly, post about Peter and his doubts. And as I continue this series, please know that I don't have it figured out. That this is a conversation, the purpose of which is to cause our thoughts and our hearts to turn to the Holy Spirit in desperation for understanding that only He can give. That said, I hope you will continue on this road with me. Journeys through the heart are always more enjoyable with company.

Happy Journey!
Erin

Chosen Series: Part 3

"Pick ME. Choose ME. Love ME."-The cry of my heart. It was though I veiwed every relationship as a contest. All of a sudden I was noticing myself striving to get ahead of everyone else, even in my own thinking. I was living in a constant state of comparison. "I'm better than them." "She's prettier. I need to work harder at being pretty." But, I'm funnier and nicer(apparently not in my thought life) so that counts for something." "Surely humour and kindness is worth more points that pretty."

Yall, these are seriously the thoughts I would catch running a muck in my head. It was disgusting! How long had this been going on?! I began to look at friendships. I had a ton of friends over the years. Friends that came to me often for advice or when they needed to talk to someone they could trust. But I had never felt that I'd had a best friend. I went out of my way to be there for everyone who needed me, but no one ever really knew me. I was so busy trying to prove I was worth being considered a best friend that I didn't let my friends know that I NEEDED a friend. I saw the pattern through so many aspects: at home I wanted to be the favorite. I wouldn't have said that of course but I wanted the love and accolades that I thought I deserved and clearly that was more than my brother. In youth I wanted to be a leader so I couldn't be real about my faults or my questions. If I wasn't sure who I was, no one would follow me.

Now, don't get me wrong. My family is amazing. And my time in youth group was incredible. And my friends were fabulous. This is about what was in my heart, not theirs. My heart lived in a constant state of comparison. And it was not until I was 25 that I realized it and saw that I was trying to earn a seat of honor. I also realized that I was tired.


(Coming up we will be talking about Mary, Peter, and Esther as we look at what scripture says to us about being chosen)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------*This post is adapted from my journal entries from 2009
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Questions for today:
1. Are you living in a constant state of comparison?
2. What are the thoughts you hear running a muck in your head?
3. Are you tired? Are you ready to deal with your heart?

I would love for us to answer these questions in the comment section. If you feel like you need to, you can always comment anonymously.

Happy Journey!
Erin

Public Service Announcement

If you know me at all or follow me on facebook, you have heard me mention "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" and how much this book has affected the way I think about life. Well, today, the paperback releases and I highly recommend that you purchase it. You can do that here. And also, check out this video from Don.

What story are you telling? from Rhetorik Creative on Vimeo.

Chosen Series: Part 2

A little over a year ago, there was this guy (the beginning of so many stories). I did not know much about him, but I knew that he was mysterious and I was intrigued. Not head over heels, just curious. Then, just a few weeks into this new found curiousity, a friend informed me that Mr. Mysterious had asked her to coffee.

UGH! NO!

I was honestly shocked by the jealousy and hurt that arose in me. After all, I had only known this guy for a few weeks and knew very little about him. I was not even sure I wanted to actually explore a relationship. But yet, I was so hurt that he had chosen her. My friend. I was not upset with her. How could I be? It is not that I did not want her to be chosen, I just didn't want her or anyone else to be chosen over me. In my mind, I was devalued because of his choice. How is that for prime-time drama?

For the first time, I reached a place where I was forced to be honest with myself and admit that my reaction was absurd. I began to pray through the response of my heart and talk through it a bit with the "chosen" friend. She and I began to share our stories and I was sharing my story with a couple of other friends at the time as well. As I was telling and re-telling the story of my life, I began to see a pattern. And the cry of my heart was painfully obvious. "Choose me!"

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*This post is adapted from my journal entries from 2009
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Questions for today:
1. Have you ever had a moment when the reaction of your heart was shocking even to you?
2. Have you told your story to anyone lately?
3. Have you noticed any patterns in your story?

I would love for us to answer these questions in the comment section. If you feel like you need to, you can always comment anonymously.

Happy Journey!
Erin

Chosen Series: Part 1

"Pick me. Choose me. Love me." It's the definitive line from the ad that has been enticing viewers to relive the lives of the residents of Seattle Grace on Grey's Anatomy. "See it all from the beginning."

I never did get drawn into Greys, nor do I plan on scheduling my life around the reruns, but this line has found a cozy little place to snuggle up in my mind somewhere between what I used to know and what I'd like to forget. The truth is, it is not only Meredith Grey that is begging to be chosen and loved. I often feel my heart pleading the same: Pick me. Choose me. Love me. I am sure that men long for this too in some regard, but for women, for us, it seems to be the greatest cry.

Look around you. You can see it everywhere. Pre-teen fashion. Music. The job market. Everywhere. As much as we would all like to pretend that we think the show is silly, we have probably all seen at least one episode of "The Bachelor". And one episode is all it takes for us to see it. These women all turn into Meredith. Every decision, every meltdown, ever stab in the back, and every premature declaration of love is motivated by the overwhelming urge to be chosen.

I have a terrible habit of labeling their behavior as absurd and we would be hard pressed to find someone who disagreed. But, if I am honest, I am just as ridiculous. It may take on different forms, but no matter how it manifests, my effort to be the last one with the metaphorical rose is ludicrous. And, I never would have put myself in the same basket of loony as these women, until recently...
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*This post is adapted from my journal entries from 2009
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Questions for today:
1. Where else in culture or in your circle of awareness does this desire to be chosen seem to be the motivation?
2.Do you identify with Meredith's cry of "Pick me. Choose me. Love me."?

I would love for us to answer these questions in the comment section. If you feel like you need to, you can always comment anonymously.

Happy Journey!
Erin