Chosen Series: Part 7

At this very moment I am sitting in Mugwalls, a coffee shop in College Station,TX. This is one of the most familiar towns and even one of the most familiar coffee shops in my life. I spent five straight years in this college town. And many hours were spent "studying" in this coffee shop. Well, it wasn't Mugwalls back then. It was Coffee Station, but nevertheless, it is familiar: the bar, the stairs, the neighboring businesses. I know them. I know how this place feels. I know how to drive the roads of this town without wondering if I know where I'm going. I don't have to think about traffic. Even before college I spent a good part of my life in this town visiting family. College Station is in me. I don't have to think too hard about anything here. And yet, I still do some of my best thinking here. It's comfortable. And in this familiar place, I find my mind wandering back to Peter. He apparently had a thing for the familiar too. Don't we all?

Can we all just agree that Peter was sometimes as idiot? That's why we relate to him so well, isn't it? He said some stupid things. He jumped into conversations the way a sky-diving instructor jumps from a plane. Only Peter is not that skilled. He's a beginner sky-diver. A beginner who forgot to strap on a chute before jumping. SPLAT! Flat on his face. Yep. Peter was a messy person to befriend. Jesus felt the sting of Peter's messiness time and time again. But I would imagine that out of all those time-agains, one stood out as the ultimate sting. 

After the Last Supper, Jesus was giving the disciples a glimpse of the future. He told them that they would all be scattered, that they would all fall away. And Peter, who clearly knew more about what's to come than the Messiah, declares, probably with more than a tinge of indignanation, "Even if the rest of them fall away, I will NEVER do that." And so Jesus, again turns to speak directly to Peter. He tells him, "Actually, Peter, you will deny me tonight. Not just once, but three times. Before the rooster crows twice, you will deny knowing me three times." Peter responds more emphatically than before, "NEVAH!!!! I will die with you if I must, but I will never deny you!"

I wonder what Jesus' response was? Did He just pat Peter on the shoulder and say, "Alright, friend." ?  Did Jesus change the subject, maybe start talking about birds or flowers? Or perhaps He launched into a parable as He had done so often. Who knows, but you can bet His heart was aching and wishing that the space between Peter's heart and his actions wasn't so vast.

The next thing we know, we are in the garden with Jesus and Peter, James, and John. Jesus asks them to stay up and pray as He goes off a little further to talk to His Father. Maybe with the echoes of the last conversation still ringing in His mind, Jesus asked that if there was any other way for us to be restored to right relationship with God...if possible, could He not have to endure the sting of this night? Usually, I think of this as a prayer to avoid the cross, to avoid the weight of the sin of the world. And, if that was what He meant...all He meant, than that would still be more than significant. Clearly. But, in this moment, I can't help but think that Jesus was not just thinking of you and me and all the rest of mankind, although certainly He had to have been. I think, perhaps, He was also thinking of the friendships He had spent 3 years building. I wonder if there were memories flashing through His mind as He prayed. Calling the 12. Their faces when he broke that first piece of bread and it grew back into a full loaf. That stormy night on the boat when they woke Him from a nap and were so terrified. The moment when he first saw them "get it". When Peter declared that he knew Jesus was the Messiah. When Peter walked on water. When the 12 were so frustrated by not being able to cast out the demons and wanted so much to do it right. Moments of growth, of fear, hard conversations and crazy man moments of laughter.  Was He remembering in advance? The "memory" that had not yet happened? Was He seeing Peter around the fire telling the girl so fiercely that he did not know Jesus? I am heartbroken just thinking about it. 

And so, Jesus prays, "Father, if there is any other way, let this cup pass." Then He stands up and walks back to where the three friends were left to pray. Jesus finds His deepest friends sleeping. He speaks to Peter, "You are sleeping? It hasn't even been an hour. Watch and pray so that you do not fall into temptation." He goes back to pray again and then returns to find the three sleeping again. This time it's just awkward. We are told in one account of this story that His time in prayer was so intense that He was sweating blood. Could Peter and the other two see the blood on Jesus' forehead? What do you say to your best friend, and your Lord, when He is sweating blood and you can't seem to stay awake to pray for Him as He asked? It happens a third time, but there is not another chance waiting in the wings. I wonder if they'd had one more try at it, if the three would have found a way to stay awake. I wonder how many times I waited too long to be willing to do whatever it takes... But this time, it is TIME. Jesus is arrested. As if to prove he can actually be a good friend, Peter draws his sword and cuts off a guard's ear.  Again, jumping before he puts on the chute. The guards (after the ear has been miraculously restored by Jesus) lead Jesus away and everyone runs. 

And of course, we all know what happens, right? Just as Jesus said, Peter denied knowing Christ three times...the very same night he had sworn he would NEVER disown Jesus. And Mark 14 says that, as the rooster crowed for the second time, Peter remembered Jesus' words and Peter broke down and cried. 

Have you ever done that? I mean, have you ever realized that you screwed up so royally that there is no imaginable way to salvage the relationship? Maybe you stabbed a friend in the back. Maybe you broke the trust your parents had freely given. Maybe you had an affair and made a mess of your marriage. I don't know. But, most of us probably have some moment where we thought, I can't undo what I have done. And I know for me, there is some stuff that hasn't surfaced...not yet anyways. But there are things that I know...or at least I believe, that if people knew, if that friend knew, if that family member knew, if that church leader knew, that I would never be able to get back the kind of relationship we have now. Imagine the weight of that moment for Peter. He had been so sure, so proud, so emphatic about his loyalty and just a few moments later, he couldn't even stay away to pray for his friend and Messiah. And then, on top of that, he told who knows how many people, that he didn't even KNOW Jesus. 

And the shame crept in. There was no undoing this. There was no going back. Jesus was hanging on a cross, so Peter couldn't even say he was sorry. He couldn't prove his regret. And even if he could, there was no way Jesus could ever love him like before. But oh, my friends, there is a beautiful moment ahead for Peter.

We will pause here for a couple of reasons. One, this post is going to get ridiculously long if I don't stop here. And two, I think it is important for us to sit with this for awhile. I so often sprint through the fields of sorrow so that I can blend in with the crowd of comfort. But let's reflect on the heaviness of this moment. Don't rush past it, friends. Lamentations 3:25-31 says it best:

"The Lord is good for those who wait for Him,
      to the soul who seeks Him.
      It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
      It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.

  Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him.
      Let him put his mouth in the dust-
      there may yet be hope.
      Let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,
      and let him be filled with insults.

  The Lord will not cast off forever."

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Questions for today:
1. What is your familiar? It could be a place or a habit or activity, or maybe a person...what is yours?
2. Have you ever, like Peter, been broken by the realization that you cannot undo a mistake? What did you fear in that moment?
3. Are you like me in that you find yourself rushing through the painful parts of life, rushing through conviction? What are some practical ways we can fight this tendency?

Happy Journey!
Erin

Becoming a Half-Marathoner

My blog world,

I wanted to share with you a great big scary challenge I have taken on. In a week and a half, I will be running the Dallas Rock n Roll Half Marathon. That's right 13.1 miles. I freak out a little every time I think about it. If you have known me for any good amount of time, you know that running is not my idea of a fun past-time. For some of you, running comes easy and is actually something that refreshes and recharges you, but for others of us, well...that just isn't the case. So then, why sign up for a half-marathon? I'm so glad you asked. As many of you know, in December 2010 I went to India for a couple of weeks to work with a ministry called As Our Own. They are working against human trafficking in India through rescue, aftercare, and prevention. 

They rescue girls who are born into brothels or are is situations which make them vulnerable to traffickers. These girls are brought into the As Our Own family and cared for as a parent cares for his child. They do not age out of the program since you can't age out of your family. They are in great schools, most making straight A's to the shock of the community ("The daughters of prostitutes are excelling in school?!?!"). They are given music lessons and dance and the little ones put on a Christmas play which their moms (the ones working in the brothels) get to come see. 

The prevention arm is about raising up the church in India to step into the gap and be the church God has called her to be. AOO has a Bible college where they are training young men to pastor the churches in India. They also partner with churches in the villages.

Back to the half marathon...AOO is in the middle of the I Will Run campaign. 10 races. 10 cities. 10 girls. I love this ministry. I love the girls that they have rescued. There was one in particular that I fell in love with during my time there. Her name is Parul and she just happens to be the little girl who is connected to the Dallas race. I was a little bit giddy when I found this out. There are over 100 people running in this particular race for As Our Own. We are running to raise awareness but we are also running to raise funds. Honestly, being aware of the problem isn't going to do much to actually set girls free. Here is a bit about the funds needed:

$696 provides 3 meals a day for 1 year for 1 girl.

$672 provides a home for 1 year for 1 girl.

$720 allows a girl to school for 9 months.

So my personal goal is $750. I currently have raised $200 and have just 10 days left.I will be running with a team of people from my church Bayou City Fellowship. There are 30 of us running. Our team goal is $15,000 and we are currently at $6,200.  It would bless me immensely if you consider giving. This run will not be easy for me. It has already stretched me. There has been achy muscles, more time required than I ever imagined, and even some tears of frustration over running. To be quite honest, I'm really intimidated by the reality of race day. But, if Parul and other little girls will know hope as a result of this, if they get to fall asleep feeling safe and loved, if they get to see what Jesus offers, than all of that is worth it. You can read more about Parul's story and my story on the donation page which is here.

Thank you for considering giving. And thank you in advance for your prayers. If you have questions about the race or As Our Own, please do not hesitate to ask. It is one of my greatest honors and joys to get to talk about what God is doing in the lives of those precious girls.

-Erin

 "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure." -Eric Little

(I believe that God has a purpose for Parul and so, even though I am not fast, at least for this one race, I will feel God's pleasure when I run.)

Chosen Series:Part 6

If you remember, in part 5 of this series, we talked about believing what Jesus says about us over listening to the crowd. Pretty awesome, right? I mean, we can know who we are. We can walk in complete security of the identity we have in Jesus. And how great is it that we all do this so easily?!

Ok. Let's be honest, that last part...the easy part...that isn't true. I wish it was. It would be amazing if we were all living out our days in the full confidence of who we were made to be. The truth is, very few of us are there. Most of us are taking steps shrouded by lies that others have spoken over us for years. Or maybe, and probably, lies that we have spoken over ourselves for years. I want to share with you my own struggle with such things. It's a day of vulnerability. Speaking of which, I saw a wonderful definition for vulnerability the other day. Doug Ferguson tweeted it, someone I follow retweeted it. "Vulnerability is when you deeply reveal yourself, legitimately desiring but never demanding a loving response". Uh. Yes. So my goal in sharing is not for pity or anything other than that I want you to know that you are not alone. I hope that you can learn from the things I am processing. I am a firm believer in learning from the hard lessons of others. Of course, there will always be an aspect of having to experience it for ourselves. There will always be work we have to do. 


In a conversation with a friend about what was keeping her in a job she wants to leave, we began to talk about what she can see herself doing. The question was posed, "What are your thoughts on the corporate world?" Her response was, "I just wouldn't fit there." She went on to talk about how she doesn't dress like she would need to, she doesn't communicate like they do, and ultimately, she wouldn't be able to do it. As she shared, I kept thinking about how deeply rooted the voices of her past are...the lies she's learned to walk in. And the Holy Spirit was whispering to me, "Erin, you are stuck too and you know exactly why." This was what came of my moment of clarity:


I think much of why we stay stuck in the lies is because of the method by which we try to free ourselves (not to mention that we are trying to free ourselves which will never work. Only Jesus can free the captive). There is something in us that believes that in order to not be captive to the lie of the identity we have always believed was ours, we have to take the complete opposite identity. For my friend, it would look like this: I am currently this way(however she sees herself) and this person cannot be part of that world (the corporate world). If I want to be a part of the corporate world, I will have to be the assertive, confident, force people to see and hear me, woman that is opposite of all I have ever been." For me, I realized that my struggle to be healthy was rooted in this very thing. The me that I remember has always been fat...even when I wasn't, that was the identity I lived in. I have, over the years, attempted to break those chains. I have started exercising, eating better, making wiser choices...I have shaken my fist to the puffy clouds of ice cream and vowed that "NEVER AGAIN SHALL YOU DEFEAT ME!!!!!" And a week later, I was sabotaging myself again and accepting my fate as the fat girl. Even this last summer I started running with some friends. I dislike running with my whole being. But, I started and I stuck with it for awhile. I was seeing results and tasting a tiny bit of freedom. And then my schedule changed. I got tired. I remembered that I hate running. And I quit. Resolved again to just find a way to fashionably hide the extra rather than get rid of it. 


The problem, I believe now, is not so much in my determination but in my belief of what I should be. You see, I was believing that in order to not be the fat girl, I had to become the girl who loves to run, who makes a home video of P90x before and after success, who blogs about eggplant and kale recipes and brownies made from spinach, black beans, and celery. In order to not live in the false identity I'd adopted, I would have to adopt a different false identity. But, I couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself be the runner girl or the healthy living author. I am not her. And because I could not be successful at being her, I would resign to be who I have always been. I do the same thing with other areas too, honestly, probably more than I am even aware of. (Holy Spirit, examine me, teach me.)

We can't be free from the chains we wear by trying on new chains to see if they look better. And as I said before, only Jesus can free us. But, also, as I said before, there will be work to do. If I want to rid myself of the lie of believing I am the fat girl, I will have to make some changes. Firstly, I will have to speak truth over myself. I will have to remind myself about who God is, that I am made in His image, that He loves me and made me purposefully. I will also have to surround myself with people who will speak truth over me and lovingly confront me about the lies I'm believing. Secondly, if I want to be healthy, I will have to do some things I don't love. I will have to sometimes run, even if I hate it. I will have to celery and kale and drink more water than coffee and soda. I will have to do P90x when I'd rather sleep or hang out with someone. I don't have to enjoy it. I may not ever love those things, but if I keep it up, I will start to see results, I will start to taste freedom. And I will love that. 


I don't know what lie you are believing. Maybe you feel like the invisible woman and think that if you could just learn to be the social butterfly instead of the shy one, that life would be better, people would love you. And to overcome that, you will have let Truth wash over you. And you will have to seek out community sometimes when you would rather be alone. You will have to invest intentionally in people when you would rather wait for them to come find you. You don't have to be the social butterfly but you will have to do some work. And when you start to find that your community is beginning to feel like a safe place, you will love the results even if the work was not fun. Maybe it's the lie that you are are not feminine and you think that in order to be a real woman you have to wear dresses and more makeup that you like and dangly earrings and that you have to be giggly and dainty all the time. Again, let Jesus get a hold of your heart and your mind. Then put the feet to the treadmill. You don't have to be a pageant girl to be feminine. You don't have to have a sweet little southern accent. But you may need to take a fair assessment and make some changes. Do you let the men in your life treat you like one of the guys? It can be fun and feel safe. But, you are not one of the guys. Start asking them to treat you like the woman you are. Ask by behaving differently around them. Let them be men: carry the groceries, hold the door, watch their conversation,etc...  I don't know what it is for you. But, I do know that we all have, do, or will believe lies about who we are and about who we have to be instead. I know it's easier to be resigned to the familiarity of the false identity than it is to let the Healer do some surgery and remove something that makes us feel like...well, us. It's hard. It hurts. It takes time. Recovering from surgery typically means we have to slow down. None of us really like to do that. Recovery means we have to ask for help. Again, not our favorite thing. And often, recovery means scars. Something we try to hide. But, friends, in slowing down, we find that we don't have to carry much of the weight of our daily lives as we  previously thought. In asking for help, we find that we are not alone and that we are, in fact, loved. And in the scars, there is beauty and hope and your story. Share your scars, your story. Others need you to. You need to. Because of Jesus, every scar is a story of redemption. And that is beautiful.


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Questions for today:
1. What lie have you resigned to? What lie have you tried to adopt in order to undo the first?
2. Find a verse to start claiming over yourself. Share it with us.
3. What are some good work-it steps you can take this week? You know, the hard, not fun, but necessary things...


Happy Journey!
Erin