Friend,
I have been carrying an ache in my heart for you these last days. To see you wrestle with this want, this beautiful, God-woven want...it peels back the covering of put-togetherness we all desperately try to keep tethered to the ground around our feet. But I have seen glimpses of the frayed corners of your covering. A picture. A 140 character sigh. A far-off stare occupied by a deeply rooted thorn in your heart. A one ton tear breaking through your "I'm fine" eyes and cutting a path of escape down your rose-garden cheek.
You are hurting. And life has not stopped to allow it. Holidays have steamrolled through as a constant reminder of hope deferred.
Hope deferred.
Such heavy words. Such known words.
It is this child. Loved before known. Held in your heart before your arms. Prayed and planned for. And grieved.
I know only a glimpse of this child-longing. I have dreamed of the day I hold my little heart-capturer as well. But, I don't know it the way you do. I don't know the creating of space for the expected and having to fill it again with the what once was...not as a mother does. I don't know the sharp entrance of the arrows of well-meaning questions of "when?".
It is him. The one with whom you hope to battle all other deferred hopes. He is your delayed desire and as a friend so rightly said, the faces of the others only serve as reminders of him not yet here.
This longing I know. This heaviness of a bare-finger. This canyon of an empty hand. These arrows have left scabs, torn through with every probing "why are you still?"
Friend, I ache for you because I know the ache of Hannah's heart. I know the sobs and seemingly drunken slurs of words tangled in heartache. When approached in her mess, Hannah shot life-blood into her ache by breathing out the honest words; and the hearer agreed with her prayer. "May it be." So I will do for you. "May it be." May the longing of your heart be met, with all the poorly-timed truths people say when our hearts hurt-yes...with more love for Jesus-yes....with deeper trust-yes...I always want those things for you, for me, but today I will beg for you to find your longing filled, for hope to be deferred no longer, for arms to be filled with the one for whom you have created space, time and again. Let's, even if for a moment, take down the tents of put-togetherness and trade them in for coverings of grace. Longings are allowed to be spoken there. Aches find a voice. Hope deferred is met with a "May it be." And lament leads the way to life.
From my Hannah-heart to yours,
Erin
I have been carrying an ache in my heart for you these last days. To see you wrestle with this want, this beautiful, God-woven want...it peels back the covering of put-togetherness we all desperately try to keep tethered to the ground around our feet. But I have seen glimpses of the frayed corners of your covering. A picture. A 140 character sigh. A far-off stare occupied by a deeply rooted thorn in your heart. A one ton tear breaking through your "I'm fine" eyes and cutting a path of escape down your rose-garden cheek.
You are hurting. And life has not stopped to allow it. Holidays have steamrolled through as a constant reminder of hope deferred.
Hope deferred.
Such heavy words. Such known words.
It is this child. Loved before known. Held in your heart before your arms. Prayed and planned for. And grieved.
I know only a glimpse of this child-longing. I have dreamed of the day I hold my little heart-capturer as well. But, I don't know it the way you do. I don't know the creating of space for the expected and having to fill it again with the what once was...not as a mother does. I don't know the sharp entrance of the arrows of well-meaning questions of "when?".
It is him. The one with whom you hope to battle all other deferred hopes. He is your delayed desire and as a friend so rightly said, the faces of the others only serve as reminders of him not yet here.
This longing I know. This heaviness of a bare-finger. This canyon of an empty hand. These arrows have left scabs, torn through with every probing "why are you still?"
Friend, I ache for you because I know the ache of Hannah's heart. I know the sobs and seemingly drunken slurs of words tangled in heartache. When approached in her mess, Hannah shot life-blood into her ache by breathing out the honest words; and the hearer agreed with her prayer. "May it be." So I will do for you. "May it be." May the longing of your heart be met, with all the poorly-timed truths people say when our hearts hurt-yes...with more love for Jesus-yes....with deeper trust-yes...I always want those things for you, for me, but today I will beg for you to find your longing filled, for hope to be deferred no longer, for arms to be filled with the one for whom you have created space, time and again. Let's, even if for a moment, take down the tents of put-togetherness and trade them in for coverings of grace. Longings are allowed to be spoken there. Aches find a voice. Hope deferred is met with a "May it be." And lament leads the way to life.
From my Hannah-heart to yours,
Erin
1 comments:
Erin, you have such a gift for putting our aches and longings and griefs into words. Thank you for taking the time to express what so many of us feel, but do not have the means of expressing. Love you.
Post a Comment