Becoming Eternally Grateful

In my Sunday Bible Study class, we have been working our way through the men and women of Hebrews 11 and digging into the walk of faith. It's been a doozey and we are only on Moses. On Thursdays, we have Koinonia (home teams) and we continue the discussion from Sunday's lesson. This last Sunday we looked at Moses' entrance back into Egypt as he requested of Pharaoh that the Israelites be allowed to leave to go worship. Pharaoh's response...NO you lazy Israelites can't leave. In fact, now I'm gonna make you work harder.

The Israelites of course had a problem with this result and basically told Moses that he had sinned by trying to get their freedom. Moses was obedient and as a result he was met with anger and oppression. He turned to God and said, "What are you doing? Don't you care about your people?"

But the Lord had already told Moses it would go this way. He told Moses that Pharaoh would not be persuaded until all the signs happened. Moses was so quick to forget the promise of trouble, and the Israelites would rather have maintained their known state of slavery, albeit horrible, than to go through the painful process of being made free.

So tonight at Koinonia, we talked about how we do the same thing. Even though we theologically believe that God does what He wants and obedience doesn't mean comfort, we expect obedience to equal an easy life or at least an expected result. We discussed why that is... our obsession with blessings rather than the blesser; our skewed lens looking for blessings in this life rather eternal blessings; our subconscious deal-making with God. We shared stories from our own lives and even shared a story of a family that just this week lost their beautiful 2 year old little girl to cancer after a horrific couple of months. God is good but so often we hurt while and sometimes because we are walking with Him.

As people were sharing, stories were sounding similar. I was obedient to move here, to pursue this job, to take on this task, and I was met with loneliness, disappointment, closed doors, unmet desires. Their stories echoed my own, and I couldn't help but think of all the things I thought the Lord would do as I followed Him that just have not come about. I thought of all the ways he could have blessed me but chose not to, all the things He has kept from me. Those hurt. They aren't bad or wrong desires. In fact, they all have to do with serving Him. So I don't get why He is keeping me from them. BUT, I also began to think of all He HAS blessed me with. If I had gotten a job I wanted, I would not know my best friend now. If I was married, I would not be in Summit ministries or Paradigm. I would not be recording an album. I would not have even written a lot of these songs. I may have written different ones, but these songs have purpose.

A lot of the problem is that we have this checklist of blessings that we want and God gives us other blessings instead but we so often miss them. We get so focused on not receiving the blessing we wanted from our obedience that we think there is NO blessing in it. It is just hard and apparently was only meant, "once again", for my refinement and to test me. And as I was sharing these thoughts, this popped out of my mouth, "I have pointy hands instead of open hands." I explained that what I meant by that (although it was a comment that surprised even me) was that I am like a little kid pointing to what she wants instead of just having open hands to receive what is given. "I want that and I want that and give me that". When a child is so focused on wanting a particular toy, and is instead given a different toy, she throws a fit and cannot even appreciate the toy she was given. All she can see is that she didn't get what she wanted so she might as well not have gotten anything. Like this little boy. He's surrounded by gifts picked out just for him...big ones even. But all he can see is that he isn't getting whatever it is he wants.





That's how I behave so often. 'Lord, I want to get married... singleness with time in my schedule and amazing friends?! That is not what i asked for!!!!!!! You never do anything for me!!!!!" That may be a little exaggerated, except it's not really. I may not scream and thrash about because I didn't get my way, but I don't thank the Lord for blessing me, I cry and tell him about how badly it hurts and how I don't understand. And those things are true. It does hurt and I don't understand, and it's ok to talk with the Lord about that, but I DO love my friends and would not want to relive this life and skip this part. I love that being sent back to Houston, the last place I wanted to be, gave me Paradigm and Dean-na and Nika and Amy. That taking a job for the sake of needing a job has taught me how to have a job and to be an adult. I am thankful that I have time and people around me to help me record an album. And I am thankful that the Lord is still teaching me and using me.

It's about and eternal perspective. And it's about having open hands instead of pointy ones. I want to be the type of woman that, instead of pointing out to God everything I THINK He should give me, stands before Him with open hands gratefully receiving whatever HE WANTS to give me. I want, with correct perspective, to be thankful....I want to be "ETERNALLY GRATEFUL".

Becoming Primal: A Book Review

Mark Batterson's new book, Primal, has hit shelves and my bedside table. In his book, Mark poses the question, "What would your Christianity look like if it were stripped down to the simplest, rawest, purest faith possible?" His answer? " You would have more, not less...you would have primal Christianity."

But what is the simplest form of Christianity? My first thought was along the lines of facts... You know, the basics of the gospel. I'm a sinner. I can't save myself. Jesus came, lived without sin, and died in my place so I can be reconciled with God. But Mark takes the reader beyond the facts to the heart. Once you know the facts, there are 4 elements in us that are stirred. The problem is as we get further away from the point where we were changed by the cross, we tend to become numb to these elements. Mark invites the reader to rediscover compassion, wonder, curiosity, and power.

Now, I must admit that I have not finished the book and that what I have read thus far, I have read with my mind. And in reading with my mind, there have been some good thoughts and interesting points, but sadly, I have not allowed it to change my heart. My plan is to re-read Primal in the new year and approach it with a prayerful heart, ready to learn. Even in reading with my mind I can recognize that I have lost my compassion. Things that used to make me weep now only make me shake my head at the most. And I have lost my wonder. I don't take the time ( because I don't have any to spare as my logic would argue) to sit and be amazed at the creativity that made the sky or trees or the endless colors in creation. I don't risk thinking of what could be because I am afraid of what I might lose. And I certainly don't live as though the Most High Powerful God accepts me and offers me access to Him.

If you are like me, and find yourself bored and numb, or possibly annoyed with Christianity as we are currently experiencing it, you should pick up a copy of Primal. But let's read it with humility, expecting it to open our eyes and even more, expecting The Holy Spirit to renew the primal heart of Christianity that we first experienced at the cross.

Becoming a Wife(eventually)

When I was 17, I planned out my life. I was about to graduate and head off to college. It was decided: I would find the man I would spend the rest of my life with in college, we would date for a while, be engaged by the time I was 21 and married right after graduation. It sounded like a good plan to me and since I had been obedient when the Lord compelled me to not date in high school, I figured He owed me the blessing of an early marriage.

Next month I will be 26. I didn't meet my husband in college. I didn't even meet a boyfriend in college. somehow, I didn't exactly expect my commitment at 15 to not date would carry over 11 years. But here I am, single as the day I was born and as single as I have been every day since. And I realize that, despite what the world would have me and you think, I am far from alone in this dateless life of mine. Many of my friends have never been on a date. *Shocking*. When I consider how beautiful and godly many of these ladies are, it baffles me to think that no man has pursued them. But, it also gives me hope that I am not just a freak.

For as long as I can remember, I have had two dreams that continue to rise to the shore. They ebb and flow and sometimes I nearly forget about them, but then the tide rises and there they are again, threatening to drown me in "if only's". The first and less tumultuous than the other, is my desire to sing and perform. I want to stir people's souls with theater and music. This surfaces mostly after seeing a brilliant performance such as the one I saw last night. The Phantom of the Opera will change your life. The second is (obvious if you read everything previously written in this article) to be wife and mother. And this desire, well the tide of this desire rises whenever the bloody hell it wants. I can build seawalls and put sandbags around my home to keep it out, but I haven't figured out a way to keep it at low tide.

So what does a chronically single woman do about such things? I am not convinced that I am actually supposed to perform on a stage and change lives that way. I am, however, convinced that the Lord has in my future, a husband, and beautiful children.


"If you're called to be a pastor you go to seminary. If you're called to be a doctor you go to medical school. Most people set goals on the path toward realizing their calling. Why should marriage be any different?
After years of praying for my future mate and thinking that was all I could do, I realized I needed to be intentional about my desire for marriage and family. I needed to be realistic about my prospects and honest about what I brought to the table, deliberate about how I spent my time, and resourceful. I had to put aside whimsical romantic notions and grab onto the truth of what marriage is and what it isn't."-Thinking about Marriage by Candice Watters

Thank you Candice for that input. I couldn't have said it better myself. Let's start with the first thing you mentioned: prayer.

Growing up in the church, you see a strange pattern as you go from youth to adult. As a youth in the church, you are taught that marriage is good, created by God as a gift and a tool. Most people are designed for marriage and you should wait till marriage to have sex. Now, before anyone loses it, I completely agree that sex outside of marriage is wrong. But, does anyone else see that wrapped up in the "true love waits" campaign is the assumption that at some point, the one making the commitment will be married? Yes, I know that really we should stay pure for the praise of God, but how many 12-16 year olds are hearing that and not hearing, stay pure for your spouse? i would venture to say not many. So, church kid Jenny grows up learning that she should desire marriage and should expect it. And this being America, you have to throw in the "plan your life" mentality. Bake at 350 degrees for 18 years and ding! you have a single girl that is convinced it is time to marry.

And some girls do get married right after college. But what about the rest of us. We went to junior high where we were involved in choir, theater, sports, student council...everything, so we would be well rounded. Then we went to high school and narrowed it down to only three things. Then, after graduation, we went off to college to become an education major...but really to become a wife. And then graduation and...wait...what...college is over? But I am not engaged. I'm not even dating anyone. I've never dated anyone! What happened? ...the plan didn't unfold the way we believed it should. So we find a job...even a great job that we love and enjoy. We join a church and dive head first into the singles' ministry. And then we face the questions. "Why aren't you married?"(to which I always want to ask some absurd question like, "Why don't you have 3 eyeballs?") ..."Why aren't you dating?" "What do you want to do with your life?" And church kid-now woman Jenny doesn't feel like she can give her honest answer to that question. She wants to be a wife, but her well-meaning married AND single church friends tell her she should be content. She should be satisfied in the Lord. She shouldn't think so much about marriage. It happens when you aren't looking for it.

It happens when you aren't looking for it? Is that how you got the job you wanted? you looked and looked and looked and applied and applied and applied and nothing. Then you decided you were done with that. You went about your normal day: grocery store, nap, hang out with friends, go to church. And viola! Apple called and wanted you to join them at corporate headquarters. No. You prepared. You went to job fairs. You met people and let your intentions of wanting a job be known.

So, back to prayer. Jenny not only is embarrassed to tell others that she longs to be a wife, but she feels she should pray about more important things and not bother God with her silly girlishness. But ladies, have we not read the story of the persistent widow? Have we not read the verses about not having because we aren't asking. Did we not pay attention to Hannah's story of weeping at the alter and asking for a son? We are meant to pray for these things. We are meant to be bold in our requests. It delights the Lord to hear his children bring their longings to him. And prayer changes us and prepares us as well. So pray.

But don't let that be all you do. Prepare. I have been learning a lot about being honest about what i bring to the table. And while there is some good stuff I would bring, there is also currently some terrible stuff I would bring into a marriage. And so, I am beginning to work on those things. Financially, I need to get my act together. I don't have a ton of debt, but I have some. And saving money has never been a part of my adult life. I am working on that. I created a budget and I have made a plan to pay off my remaining debt and then start saving, with purpose. And I am also working on my physical health. I have some really bad habits when it comes to food and exercise. But those are things that can be changed...and need to be changed.

Now, let's talk about what marriage isn't. It isn't a self-esteem booster. It isn't meant to be the place I seek my ultimate value. It isn't an 80 year slumber party with your best friend. It isn't safe or easy or a romance comedy. It isn't financial security. It isn't an escape. It isn't a way to get that dresser from Pottery Barn that you've been wanting.

BUT IT IS...good. It is meant to drive us deeper into Christ because it will reveal so much grossness in us and because we will need Christ in us to love someone when we begin to see all of their grossness. It does enhance our relationship with God. Should we find our fulfillment in a spouse. No. But just because God can fully fulfill us, doesn't mean he won't use a spouse to do some of that fulfilling. "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds from the mouth of God." Notice that the verse doesn't say Man does not live on bread AT ALL. Nope. It says alone. Which seems to me to say that, while God could sustain us with only scripture, he chooses not too. He gives us food too. So, i believe that applies to marriage as well. God could fulfill us merely by inviting us to enjoy our relationship with Him alone. But He chooses to give us other relationships as well, including marriage.

So there are my thoughts. A lot of them at least. All of this to say that I want to be a wife. And I am done pretending otherwise. I believe that the Lord has marriage as part of His plan for me and I will ask Him to do that. In the meantime, I will prepare. I will seek wisdom of those who are ahead of me in that journey. I will, with the Lord's strength, be wiser with my finances and health. I will invest in people along the way. And I will trust the Lord's timing as I faithfully take steps.